Sorry
For once.
Twice..
Thrice...
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Yes, i failed. And i can't remember how many times. The taste of failure is no longer strange to me. "To succeed and to failed is just a phase of life." That's what i keep telling myself whenever i feel like life just doesn't do me justice. One thing i used to do wrong is i blamed everything on life, on luck, on destiny, and what so ever. I separate myself from that life sucks-i cannot accept this phase because i can't bear being the victim no more. But, as i grow older, this tree of rejection has been growing too. I tried. I failed. I tried. I succeed. I tried. I failed, and it goes on and on and on like Indonesian soap operas which seem never coming to an end. But, i don't know why every time i get rejected, the feeling stays the same. It still hurts the same even though i have been through the same shit over and over again. You know, it almost resembles the ache of broken heart. You might have experienced the same thing over and over again but still have no idea how to cope with the pain.
Rejection surely feels shitty and it will always does. No matter how many times you have been through it, the feeling will stay the same -- at least from my experience. Sometimes, it will put you in this hole where all you do is questioning your worth. "What and where did i do wrong?" "I am not good enough for this." These sentences feel like drugs you know. You can't stop and it's poisoning your already-messed-up mind.
I have spent the last few years trying to find the cure. The cure to this shitty feeling of being rejected. But things turned upside down as soon as i landed my feet in the city of zen, Kyoto. Oh well, i know some of you and some of my friends probably have already fed up with my Japan story but i ain't sorry. I will keep telling you story, not for the sake of inspire others, i can hardly inspire my own self how could i inspire others. But, being alone in the city where i keep finding myself lost in translation, not knowing what others talk about, has given me some time to think, to really think. They said, solitude is a bliss, and yeah it hella is.
1. to keep on going.
One sunny afternoon in early October last year, i walked myself to a grocery store near to my campus in Kyoto. I wore one layer of sweater, ripped jeans, and sneakers as it was still late autumn and il fait beau. It was sunny. I brought my notes and cheap sushi which i bought from the grocery store earlier. Strolling by the Kamo river, i sat by the bench close to the bridge. And i thought to myself while looking at people biking through the small path by the river. Recalling my old and almost gone memories back to the time i was learning to bike. I fell off the bike for so many times and everyone did too, right? To think about what failure counts and what not, it hurts to even think about it. Every attempted trial you did which came to be a failure every time you fell off your bike, does count. But, you can ride your bike now and that's what matters. Did you forget the sensation of hurt each time you fell off your bike? I bet nah. You could recall the feeling, the sensation, the laughter of others when you fell off. But, you kept on trying until you can ride your 2 wheels bike, without supporting wheel, no more. You keep on going, keep on trying, because you have already set your eyes on your one and only goal. The hard thing right now is how can i compare the feeling of falling off my bike to the feeling of failing, the feeling of being rejected. I know this might sound a little exaggerating or what not, but we could pull out this thin red line across each occasion and see the similarity between them. We tried and we failed. The cycle between these two occasions is the same, just different in terms of context.
Last week was kinda hard as i just got rejected. It wasn't supposed to be this hard but it has to do with a chance to make one of so many dreams of mine since i was in junior high, so yeah it kinda sucks to fail. I think i have talked about this thing that has to do with not to expect too much and how i have been trying to practice it in real life more often. But, sometimes things do not work the we expect it to be. I was expecting too much to get this chance but you know, it didn't work out. I kept telling me and my bf -- as he is the only one knowing about this, that c'était bien et tout va bien. I am now though but i wasn't at that time. I took the benefit of my hallucination that i was fine to be actually fine in real life, not only in my thoughts. I waited and it was kind of frustrating just to know that i failed. Days passed by and i started to forget that shitty feeling because of more shitty uni assignments. And i cannot be more thankful for having the most supporting significant other. Things keep going and you cannot undo stuff neither rewind it. So, i guess we just have to keep going on and looking for other opportunities, i guess.
2. to accept.
Failure is not strange to me. One time back then in high school, i was trying to get into this student exchange program -- you know that AFS thingy -- but i failed the second phase, the interview. My English still wasn't that good at that time and i spoke like a mummy, my tongue felt like it was wrapped with tissue, if you can relate i'd really appreciate it. But you know what, my option is that i'd go to either Holland or Japan and i still have no idea why did i choose Japan instead of other countries at that time. It turns out that the timing was just off. I still ended up going to Japan anyway, but years later. And the first phase of the whole process and test was held in my current university. Funny though, knowing my old failure has led me up until this exact moment. I don't really believe in destiny though, i felt like you worked for what you got and you decide your own destiny. To be lucky surely is another whole dimension to talk about. Ah, back to my high school' failure experience, i still can recall how bad i felt at that time, how disappointed i was, just because i failed the interview. I wasn't prepared to fail, so i wasn't prepared to accept neither. I was young at time -- even though i still am -- but i only have myself at that time. This is where you need to accept you failure and the fact that you. will. need. someone.
I have spent the last few years trying to find the cure. The cure to this shitty feeling of being rejected. But things turned upside down as soon as i landed my feet in the city of zen, Kyoto. Oh well, i know some of you and some of my friends probably have already fed up with my Japan story but i ain't sorry. I will keep telling you story, not for the sake of inspire others, i can hardly inspire my own self how could i inspire others. But, being alone in the city where i keep finding myself lost in translation, not knowing what others talk about, has given me some time to think, to really think. They said, solitude is a bliss, and yeah it hella is.
1. to keep on going.
One sunny afternoon in early October last year, i walked myself to a grocery store near to my campus in Kyoto. I wore one layer of sweater, ripped jeans, and sneakers as it was still late autumn and il fait beau. It was sunny. I brought my notes and cheap sushi which i bought from the grocery store earlier. Strolling by the Kamo river, i sat by the bench close to the bridge. And i thought to myself while looking at people biking through the small path by the river. Recalling my old and almost gone memories back to the time i was learning to bike. I fell off the bike for so many times and everyone did too, right? To think about what failure counts and what not, it hurts to even think about it. Every attempted trial you did which came to be a failure every time you fell off your bike, does count. But, you can ride your bike now and that's what matters. Did you forget the sensation of hurt each time you fell off your bike? I bet nah. You could recall the feeling, the sensation, the laughter of others when you fell off. But, you kept on trying until you can ride your 2 wheels bike, without supporting wheel, no more. You keep on going, keep on trying, because you have already set your eyes on your one and only goal. The hard thing right now is how can i compare the feeling of falling off my bike to the feeling of failing, the feeling of being rejected. I know this might sound a little exaggerating or what not, but we could pull out this thin red line across each occasion and see the similarity between them. We tried and we failed. The cycle between these two occasions is the same, just different in terms of context.
Last week was kinda hard as i just got rejected. It wasn't supposed to be this hard but it has to do with a chance to make one of so many dreams of mine since i was in junior high, so yeah it kinda sucks to fail. I think i have talked about this thing that has to do with not to expect too much and how i have been trying to practice it in real life more often. But, sometimes things do not work the we expect it to be. I was expecting too much to get this chance but you know, it didn't work out. I kept telling me and my bf -- as he is the only one knowing about this, that c'était bien et tout va bien. I am now though but i wasn't at that time. I took the benefit of my hallucination that i was fine to be actually fine in real life, not only in my thoughts. I waited and it was kind of frustrating just to know that i failed. Days passed by and i started to forget that shitty feeling because of more shitty uni assignments. And i cannot be more thankful for having the most supporting significant other. Things keep going and you cannot undo stuff neither rewind it. So, i guess we just have to keep going on and looking for other opportunities, i guess.
2. to accept.
Failure is not strange to me. One time back then in high school, i was trying to get into this student exchange program -- you know that AFS thingy -- but i failed the second phase, the interview. My English still wasn't that good at that time and i spoke like a mummy, my tongue felt like it was wrapped with tissue, if you can relate i'd really appreciate it. But you know what, my option is that i'd go to either Holland or Japan and i still have no idea why did i choose Japan instead of other countries at that time. It turns out that the timing was just off. I still ended up going to Japan anyway, but years later. And the first phase of the whole process and test was held in my current university. Funny though, knowing my old failure has led me up until this exact moment. I don't really believe in destiny though, i felt like you worked for what you got and you decide your own destiny. To be lucky surely is another whole dimension to talk about. Ah, back to my high school' failure experience, i still can recall how bad i felt at that time, how disappointed i was, just because i failed the interview. I wasn't prepared to fail, so i wasn't prepared to accept neither. I was young at time -- even though i still am -- but i only have myself at that time. This is where you need to accept you failure and the fact that you. will. need. someone.
I am an INFJ which makes me pretty much comfortable doing things and what not on my own. Being alone really does not bother me too much. In fact, it doesn't bother me at all. Well, i take time to be alone for calm myself from this chaotic routine and this messed up world. I do things i love when i'm alone so it's all about nice and good feelings when i'm alone. So, when i come across this shitty moment when i have no courage to encourage my own self, i need someone. I used to have a hard time accepting the false truth like only me is enough. I finally came to the point where i eased up my stubborn head a little bit and looked for someone to talk a bit about my pain. This wasn't easy at first, to accept that i need someone to talk to for the sake of me feeling a little better sounded a little bit off for me at the beginning.
But, the clock won't stop ticking. As i'm growing up and start meeting other people. You met someone and tu es tombée amoureuse. You will start to open yourself a little bit to your significant other and it does make you feel at ease. Now, all you gotta do is to accept. To accept that you might need someone. To accept that you should open yourself a little bit.
I guess, all of it has to do with time and timing. Time surely heals but it will not help you to forget. The pain of failure will always be healed as time goes by. But, you still might have to come across it again and time will not help you forget the pain though. After all, we tried. That's all that matters.
Hope you could spend the rest of this cold Sunday night with your love, your family, your close friends, or whoever you truly love / miss -- if you're currently far from them.
Bisous.
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