DRUNK DRAMA

Bonjour :)

It is funny how i actually have my draft for this post deleted in a blink of an eye because i feel like i found something missing, which i do not even acknowledge what was it. But, my best guess is honesty. I was missing the honesty in that draft i just deleted. Now, i feel at ease in my mind but gassy in my stomach, which probably is caused by the abundant amount of fruit i ate this late afternoon as my dinner.

To sum up my current life, i am now catching up with the all these courses i had been missed last year while i was in japan. So, there is not so much going on but endless group task *which i'm not really a fan of*  quiz, readings, review, and the list will go on in coldness like i was drowning in Neretva river. 

Lately, i *am kinda* taking a break from posting on this particular site because i am in that writing on journal mode again, reminiscing all the good old days, when my mother used to turn on the alarm so that i would know my limit for home internet access and all i did was scrolling through Myspace (oh yes), Friendster, and watching Mr. bean over and over again. Writing on a literal surface or paper somehow gets your motor to work honestly, without no force, voluntarily. Although, life seems to be demanding more and more typed works and pieces, i find writing with your own handwriting on it somehow feels more honest than seeing your works on the screen *just like what i do atm, ha!* 

I am actually the journal/diary type of girl since i was little. In fact, i still keep some of my journals from my elementary days, included the never ending tale about my first crush in elementary school. Would you even believe that i once liked the same boy for roughly 6 years? Guess, i am just loyal *Taurus pride* Or, how i used to hate sitting on the very corner of the class so much like i even skipped a day when it's my time to sit on that very corner. Small little things that make everything seems more tangible and well understood.

Not always a good thing to be happened, some things are better left unexplained, or even unknown.

-M

Bonsoir!

Still from my stay in Japan (don't ever think i'd get bored talking about this) but, i believe that i have not yet told you here about my short new year's getaway to Hiroshima. Yes, that A-bomb city.

But, in this post, i would like to tell you my story through some pictures i took while i was there. As this reminiscing feeling is shifted from the ground to my head, here are some of my story.

Yes, i failed. And i can't remember how many times. The taste of failure is no longer strange to me. "To succeed and to failed is just a phase of life." That's what i keep telling myself whenever i feel like life just doesn't do me justice. One thing i used to do wrong is i blamed everything on life, on luck, on destiny, and what so ever. I separate myself from that life sucks-i cannot accept this phase because i can't bear being the victim no more. But, as i grow older, this tree of rejection has been growing too. I tried. I failed. I tried. I succeed. I tried. I failed, and it goes on and on and on like Indonesian soap operas which seem never coming to an end. But, i don't know why every time i get rejected, the feeling stays the same. It still hurts the same even though i have been through the same shit over and over again. You know, it almost resembles the ache of broken heart. You might have experienced the same thing over and over again but still have no idea how to cope with the pain. 

Rejection surely feels shitty and it will always does. No matter how many times you have been through it, the feeling will stay the same -- at least from my experience. Sometimes, it will put you in this hole where all you do is questioning your worth. "What and where did i do wrong?" "I am not good enough for this." These sentences feel like drugs you know. You can't stop and it's poisoning your already-messed-up mind. 

I have spent the last few years trying to find the cure. The cure to this shitty feeling of being rejected. But things turned upside down as soon as i landed my feet in the city of zen, Kyoto. Oh well, i know some of you and some of my friends probably have already fed up with my Japan story but i ain't sorry. I will keep telling you story, not for the sake of inspire others, i can hardly inspire my own self how could i inspire others. But, being alone in the city where i keep finding myself lost in translation, not knowing what others talk about, has given me some time to think, to really think. They said, solitude is a bliss, and yeah it hella is. 




1. to keep on going.

One sunny afternoon in early October last year, i walked myself to a grocery store near to my campus in Kyoto. I wore one layer of sweater, ripped jeans, and sneakers as it was still late autumn and il fait beau. It was sunny. I brought my notes and cheap sushi which i bought from the grocery store earlier. Strolling by the Kamo river, i sat by the bench close to the bridge. And i thought to myself while looking at people biking through the small path by the river. Recalling my old and almost gone memories back to the time i was learning to bike. I fell off the bike for so many times and everyone did too, right? To think about what failure counts and what not, it hurts to even think about it. Every attempted trial you did which came to be a failure every time  you fell off your bike, does count. But, you can ride your bike now and that's what matters. Did you forget the sensation of hurt each time you fell off your bike? I bet nah. You could recall the feeling, the sensation, the laughter of others when you fell off. But, you kept on trying until you can ride your 2 wheels bike, without supporting wheel, no more. You keep on going, keep on trying, because you have already set your eyes on your one and only goal. The hard thing right now is how can i compare the feeling of falling off my bike to the feeling of failing, the feeling of being rejected. I know this might sound a little exaggerating or what not, but we could pull out this thin red line across each occasion and see the similarity between them. We tried and we failed. The cycle between these two occasions is the same, just different in terms of context. 

Last week was kinda hard as i just got rejected. It wasn't supposed to be this hard but it has to do with a chance to make one of so many dreams of mine since i was in junior high, so yeah it kinda sucks to fail. I think i have talked about this thing that has to do with not to expect too much and how i have been trying to practice it in real life more often. But, sometimes things do not work the we expect it to be. I was expecting too much to get this chance but you know, it didn't work out. I kept telling me and my bf -- as he is the only one knowing about this, that c'était bien et tout va bien. I am now though but i wasn't at that time. I took the benefit of my hallucination that i was fine to be actually fine in real life, not only in my thoughts. I waited and it was kind of frustrating just to know that i failed. Days passed by and i started to forget that shitty feeling because of more shitty uni assignments. And i cannot be more thankful for having the most supporting significant other. Things keep going and you cannot undo stuff neither rewind it. So, i guess we just have to keep going on and looking for other opportunities, i guess.


2. to accept.

Failure is not strange to me. One time back then in high school, i was trying to get into this student exchange program -- you know that AFS thingy -- but i failed the second phase, the interview. My English still wasn't that good at that time and i spoke like a mummy, my tongue felt like it was wrapped with tissue, if you can relate i'd really appreciate it. But you know what, my option is that i'd go to either Holland or Japan and i still have no idea why did i choose Japan instead of other countries at that time. It turns out that the timing was just off. I still ended up going to Japan anyway, but years later. And the first phase of the whole process and test was held in my current university. Funny though, knowing my old failure has led me up until this exact moment. I don't really believe in destiny though, i felt like you worked for what you got and you decide your own destiny. To be lucky surely is another whole dimension to talk about. Ah, back to my high school' failure experience, i still can recall how bad i felt at that time, how disappointed i was, just because i failed the interview. I wasn't prepared to fail, so i wasn't prepared to accept neither. I was young at time -- even though i still am -- but i only have myself at that time. This is where you need to accept you failure and the fact that you. will. need. someone.

Today, in this snowy city of Kyoto, i would like to talk about something that is intangible yet most of use still wish for its existence to come. Yes. Luck.

"Mod, u're so lucky! how come?"

This very sentence sounds no foreign to me. I used to feel just fine hearing all these words being screamed at my face. But these past few months, it sounds just not right. Do you mean it? Do they mean it? Or is it just me taking things too far? I feel people kind of judging you based on what is it on the end, what is it on the finish line, without taking some time to see "how". How was the process, all the efforts, all the confusion, all thing we need to give up on. This is because we, including me, choose and filter what we want to tell people, what we want to show people. Nothing is wrong. But, nothing is right.

Well, there are surely some times i feel this wheel of fortune just crashed to me. Luck came to me without even trying like when i somehow magically escaped from that bomb terror last year. Even though ever since that event, i have been having a problem with loud, sudden noise. Or when i happened to be at Tokyo by myself when the 7.3 sr earthquake happened last November, probably the reason why i have been feeling like my bed is always shaky when i wake up ever since. I know luck does come in such different ways and generally out of blue, but still sometimes it gives you the after effect. I sound exaggerating, didn't i?

Our life is a series of fortunate/unfortunate events, whether we like it or not. Stuff happens to people. Sincere love but unrequited, possible chance but missed, everything just happens. I am not even sure with the saying, "everything happens for a reason", because sometimes, things happen to me and some of them just seem unreasonable. Maybe it is me who is still blinded by all these tangible materials. Forgetting the beauty behind moments. The meaning of luck can be diverse to different people. You might be thinking you are just lucky, but at the same time, he/she might be thinking "well, i got it because i work for it." I personally believe that we can separate luck into two, the one that just appears into your life without warning and the one that you actually work for. Certain luck does come to those who are smart enough to seek for opportunities and make the best out of it. But also, there will always be something you cannot predict. Stuff happens to people. But, sometimes people happens to stuff.