“One intrinsically ‘owns’ a few things about oneself, such as physical characteristics, and possesses a few, such as knowledge or skills. None of these by themselves, however, constitute an identity. They are characteristics: often unique and always inherent in the person. So, although they may be unique themselves, it is wrong to suggest that DNA or fingerprints or speech patterns are an identity. The DNA profile is an identifying characteristic; similarly, fingerprints and specific professional accreditations are not identities, but identifiers..” - Philosophy of Identitiy by Timothy Grayson (2012)

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Salut, mes amis sur la chaine.

It is finally here. The gap between Christmas and New Year's Eve when all you do is binge watching a new TV series and do not know how to stop. When all you eat is those unhealthy fried junks you order through Gofood. Pardon, where was I?

Okay, this year has been the craziest one. I know that I will always say the same thing every end of the year because it will always be a relief, knowing something tiring has come to an end. But, not now. Today, in the last day of 2017, I am nowhere excited for a brand new year, new year's eve, new year's party, new year's resolution, not all of that. It feels dull, all of it does. Actually, I am more pathetic as I am sitting on my carpet eating probably the best chip in the world. It's Maitos, you can only get it at certain Alfamart, not all of it. I like my chips a lil bit rare, I guess. Ha. Better late than never.

I initially was planning to share 12 things I have learned by the end of this year. It feels weird as I was in Japan last year, celebrating my new year's eve amidst the crowd of people praying in Yasaka Jinja Shrine. No fireworks, no shouting, just a serene feeling, a real new experience for me. I think I kinda stop making new year's resolution ever since last year when I got to experience the new year alone amidst the unknown. At that moment, I wish how everything would last longer than just a month and 7 days that I got left. But, as I have always said, your clock will not stop ticking. Even though if you were dead. If the battery is not out of energy yet, it just does not stop ticking. But, okay here are some of thing that I have learned in 2017, gonna be a long post so please brew yourself a coffee or tea or just order it through your mobile app. Here we go.

Ep 1: "Mr. Death, are you here?"

I started this new year by taking a short getaway to Hiroshima, on the very first day of 2017. Took a night bus for about 6 to 7 hours from Kyoto, a pretty nice and comfortable bus, I mean you have this "tudung" for your head so you don't have to sleep facing the light or be afraid that someone might have taken a pic of you sleeping with your mouth wide open. 

Arriving at 5.30 a.m in probably the coldest month of the year, Hiroshima surely felt so cold and quiet at the time. As our check in time was still in about an hour left, we chose to warm ourselves up in the Sukiya chain nearby. As all my friends ordered the breakfast set consisting of a bowl of rice and beef slices -- which I would never ever in my life eat that much of a breakfast, I chose to go to the nearest 7/11 store just next to Sukiya. A very early morning probably is not the perfect time to visit 7/11 as I got to witness a man, while rubbing his genital, stealing a porn magazine. I just stood there, did not know what to do as a half of myself was laughing and the other half was frozen. I went to the snack aisle, got my soyjoy chocolate almond as initially planned, paid for it, and left the store with a mixed feelings. Did I just witness a random Japanese man (probably a bit tipsy) stealing a porn magazine? I mean, in the first 30 minutes of my arrival in Hiroshima? I like this city. 

It was a short three days of getaway yet those days felt so intense. I got to visit the Hiroshima A-bomb museum. Never have I had such a devastating feelings after leaving a museum. That one pic above is paper cranes made by one of the atomic bomb victim. Even though I have covered this story in another blog post, I just need to re-share this experience with you. To finally get a chance to land my feet in the land that was once so dead is probably the highlight of my year. Hiroshima happens to become one of my favorite cities in Japan. Not way too big yet still has some big ass road and disclaimer, they got tram too! My trip to Hiroshima also marked my first time taking a tram even though I am not in Europe. After all, my short new year's getaway to Hiroshima is definitely one of those 'life changing cliche' in 2017.

Ep 2: "Baby, i am leaving home. Here is my soul coming to you."

On the 10th day of February 2017, I wasn't quite finished with packing but my ride to Kansai International Airport had arrived. So, I brought my big ass suitcase from the third floor to the first floor through the stairways, got 2 times of a break in between to catch a breath and soul, and that is it. I am leaving Kyoto, my new home.

Everything does come in two sides, always. Every positives has its own negatives, vice versa. So is me returning back to Jakarta 'for good'. I would briefly state that me returning back home is me, trying to finish what I have started here, what I have got myself committed to. I got a lot of people and responsibilities I need to take care of, so here I am. Home, you said.

Here I am, I got to sleep in this 15 years ish old room with my rough bedsheet. I got to meet all my friends, my dearest boyfriend. I got to eat my favorite food again, take the same slow train to uni, experience the humid weather I have always hated.

But, are you really home, love? Am I really home? Does returning always mean coming home?

Ep 3: "Where am i?"

Some weeks passed by, same old same routine. But, none of it feels like reality. I was just kind of swinging and hanging in between responsibilities I was hesitant to deal with. Being trapped in a group of strangers for around four months in the university had given me some kind of withdrawal feelings. It was as bad as it seems though. All of the struggle has shown in my final result. Ah, it jumps freely like a plane falling to the ground.

I lost me in the process of adapting to an old routine, an old behavior, an old life. I messed up a few relationships in the middle of the year. I messed up my life to be exact.

I don't know. I was just lost.